Why ADHD Brains Don't Have Space For Relationships

We're living through the loneliest period in the human history. We have more ways to connect than ever, like dating apps, social media, endless way to meet people. And nearly 60% of adults say they are lonely. The paradox is quite interesting. Theoretically, finding love should be easier than ever. But instead, connection is collapsing. But there is one group experiencing this crisis. at a completely different level and that is people with ADHD. People with ADHD are significantly more likely to experience chronic loneliness and relationship difficulties. Adults with ADHD have divorce rates nearly twice as high as neurotypical adults and many struggle to form relationships at all, yet alone to maintain them. And here's what actually makes it worse. If you have ADHD, you probably have seen this cycle enough times that you actually stopped trying. You met someone, it didn't work out. You tried it again and same result and after enough rounds of that, something actually shifts in your brain. You stop seeing it as bad luck or bad timing and you start seeing it as a proof that you are the problem and you start to believe that you're not built for this, that something is fundamentally wrong with how you love people. Once you start thinking that way, you actually stop putting yourself out there. It's not necessarily because you don't want connection or other people, you actually do, but because every past experience is telling you that it's going to end in the same way. So why bother? You essentially taught yourself to expect failure before anything even begins. And I need you to really hear this one, okay? That belief is based on real experiences that is for sure but it is built on wrong conclusion. If you're not unlovable or not necessarily bad at love, there are patterns happening in your dating life that you haven't connected to your ADHD yet. And once you see those patterns, you can actually do something about them. It's not about making an excuse that you have an ADHD but building systems and methods to combat them. So in this video I'm going to show you what these patterns are, why your brain creates them and how to get out of this. So let's look about finding love, the initial phase. Here's what's actually interesting about ADHD. If you have ADHD, you're probably really good at meeting people. When someone new catches your attention, your brain releases a spike of dopamine and norepinephrine that's way more intense than what a neurotypical brain would produce in the same reaction. Because novelty is one of the strongest dopamine triggers for ADHD brains. So that first conversation, that first date, it feels like electric to you and you're fully present. You're engaged and you're remembering every little thing that they say. In the moment, you are genuinely into them and your world literally revolves around them. But here's actually what happens there logically. Your brain isn't attaching to the person, it's actually attaching to the novelty and novelty has an expiration date. Once your brain adapts to this person as a known stimulus, the dopamine drops. It could be days, it could be weeks, but suddenly that intensity is just gone. You stop thinking about them as much and you don't feel that initial pull anymore. For you, your attention naturally moved to somewhere else. It can be another person or it can be even a new thing or a hobby that you are obsessed with right now. You know, whatever else grabbed your attention at that moment. But the person on the other side experienced something completely different. They experienced someone who was fully present and fully obsessed with them, like texting them constantly, making them feel like they're the center of everything. And now that person just went cold. They think something went wrong, Maybe, you know, they think you were falling in love with them, but maybe they did something wrong that, you know, made you cold. And, or maybe they think you're already moved on. This is essentially like what people actually call like love bombing. But with ADHD, it's not necessarily manipulative. It's more about a hyperfixation. And your brain does the same thing with people that does it with a new hobby or a new interest. The interesting thing about ADHD, in my opinion, is that... wherever your attention goes it goes all in and it could be a person or it could be a hobby. For a neurotypical person people and hobbies are in completely two different categories but for an ADHD person I think it's all just stimulus. So the workaround for this is the biggest thing here is to recognize that the hyperfixation phase is not the same as long-term compatibility just because it feels intense. doesn't mean this person is the one. I actually read books about this hyperfixation in people and the solution comes down to a basic thing which is setting a hard rule of no more than two days per week in the first month regardless of how badly you want to see them. It's not necessarily about like playing games but it's actually giving your brain to separate dopamine from actual compatibility. When the urge hits to see them every day you need to redirect that energy into something else. and you need to let the gaps exist. And also after every interaction you need to ask yourself three different questions. The first one is what specific thing did I learn about them today as a person? Second one, can I name three ways we are actually compatible beyond their interest? And the third one, which is the most important one is if this intensity disappeared tomorrow would I still want to pursue this? You need to give yourself gaps so that you can actually check in with yourself. and ask yourself, am I into this person or am I just into the dopamine and idea of this person? This will save both of you from a heartache. Now, like, let's add social media and dating apps to everything I just said, because this is where actually it really gets bad, because with dating apps, you have constant unlimited access to new people. Every swipe, every DM, every new follower is a potential dopamine hit for our brain and our brain. remember is wired to chase novelty so each person feels more interesting than the one before not necessarily because they're better in some way but just because they're new and the thing is ADHD brains already struggle with something called object permanence in relationships which basically is like out of sight out of mind kind of a thing. If someone isn't directly in front of you or actively in your notifications reaching out to you they kind of like stop existing in your mind you know. It's not like even you don't like them but it's just that you forget that they exist because your working memory just don't hold onto them the way a neurotypical brain would. So when a new person pops up the person you went on a great date like last week if they haven't texted you then you already kind of like forget them. So you end up in this loop where you are amazing at like first impressions, but you never follow through long enough for anything real to develop. And you might not even notice the pattern because each new beginning feels like this could be the one. So if you're genuinely trying to build something with someone, you need to actually limit your dating app usage and kind of like create specific time blocks or delete them entirely during that phase. And for the out of sight, out of problem, Actually, this is something that I do right now, which is setting a recurring calendar reminders to reach out to people, not only romantic, but also to platonic relationships as well. And it sounds unromantic, but when it comes to relationships with ADHD, it's not necessarily about feelings, but it's about the consistency that neurotypicals want from us to feel they are loved. And by the way, the specific ways all of these like patterns show up for you depends on which ADHD type. you have because with ADHD we actually have three types inattentive hyperactive and the combined type and all of them actually affect your relationship differently I created a free quiz where you can figure out which type of ADHD you have and you also get like weekly tips on how to manage it so if you're interested links in the description below okay so let's say you went on a great date okay you had a great time and you genuinely like that person and then you just like never follow up The date ends, you go home, something else grabs your attention and your working memory just lets it slip and there's already three days go by and you haven't texted them. And then once you realize it's been three days, it actually gets worse because you tell yourself right now that, oh, it's too late that I haven't texted them, that they think I don't care about them. So it might be better that I just don't text them because they might be mad. And you keep developing that thought, adding like layers to it, imagining how the conversation would go if you did text. all the way it could be occurred if you would reach out again etc. In my opinion this is what like people don't understand about ADHD. When a neurotypical person thinks about something that might go wrong in the future they think about it and they keep it at a distance. For them like the time works in a linear way so there's a past there's current and there's future okay and future hasn't come yet but in my opinion okay this is a personal conclusion of mine with ADHD. If you have ADHD time doesn't work like that like for me at least past, present and future all of them are happening right now so when my brain starts imagining like this person is mad at me or you know that i ruined this i just don't think about like the outcome in the future i feel like it's already happening right now in the moment the rejection hasn't even occurred yet but it's hitting me like it's happening right now at the current time zone i'm in i sit like with the feeling and the weight of the rejection that's entirely imagined and the logical move is just to text them but i feel and i believe that i'm already rejected that i treat it like it's too late so i do nothing and then just connection dies quite the one workaround that i found this applies for friendships as well is while you're still on the date okay plan the next meetup immediately on the time that you're meeting them. Or even if you forget it, text them back when you're going back to your home. Not until you go to home and text them like, let's hang out on next Friday. But you know, while you're on there, you have to do it. Because the more you wait, the bigger the chances of you not reaching out gets bigger and bigger. You can also tell your friends to kind of like remind you or set reminders to yourself as well. But when it comes to following up with ADHD, in my opinion, we have to do it in person at the end of the first thing. because otherwise it's not going to happen. So let's say you actually made it past the first date and you are in a relationship now. Well, congrats. One thing that no one really prepares you for is when one person has ADHD, it actually means that the couple have it okay both partners are gonna live it because everything that affects you is going to affect them in intimate relationships right like your forgetfulness your energy crashes your need for silence after a long day or your brain jumping between 10 things at once all of that lends on the other person too because it is an intimate relationship everyone says like communication is the key if you can just communicate better everything will work out and yes like communication is absolutely essential that is for sure but it's not the complete solution that everyone makes it out to be because you can communicate perfectly and still struggle because the real issue isn't that you're not talking the issue is that your brains are operating on a completely different systems and adhc doesn't go away medications and treatments don't cure it they help you manage the symptoms but the way your brain operates is fundamentally different you get from point a to point b in a completely non-linear way and you process conversations differently and you experience time differently and you prioritize differently and if your partner doesn't have adhd their brain works in a completely different operating system than yours so if neither of you understand that then every single difference is going to feel like a personal attack. And in my opinion, this is one of the reasons why relationships where one partner has ADHD are twice as likely to fail compared to relationships where neither partner has it. So communication obviously matters, but you need to understand what's happening and to build solutions together rather than just saying what is going on, because understanding alone isn't enough. What actually makes a difference is pairing that communication with concrete systems, workarounds, and adjusted expectations for both sides. Both partners need to talk and act on it. Without the systems to support what you communicated, you end up in a loop where you talked about same issue 100 times, but nothing actually changed. That's when both people start feeling like failures in the relationship. The communication only opens the door, but action is what keeps it open. And if there's one thing that does the most damage in ADHD relationships, in my opinion, it is the attention or more accurately, the lack of it. Because when you have ADHD, your attention is not something you fully control. It goes where it goes. And in a relationship, that means your partner is going to experience moments where they're talking to you and you're physically there, but mentally somewhere else. And they're going to tell you something important. and two weeks later you won't remember the conversation ever happened. They're going to feel like they have to repeat themselves over and over and over again just to get your attention. Eventually they start to interpret this as not a brain thing but more like you don't really care about me or you don't even love me enough. There's actually a quote from a book called The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD that captures this perfectly that I want to share. A non-ADHD partner described how they would say something once with no response say again louder and eventually just get in their partner's face and yell. And then the ADHD partner gets angry because from their perspective, the yelling came out of nowhere. They didn't hear the first three attempts. Both people are frustrated for completely valid reasons, but neither of them sees the full picture. And the painful part is that the ADHD partner might genuinely love this person, but love without visible attention doesn't register. You can say, I love you a hundred times, but if your partner doesn't feel seen or doesn't feel heard and they... think you just don't remember anything that they say and nothing matters to you about them, then words stop meaning anything. They start saying that it doesn't show up in your actions. I don't believe that you love me. And they're not wrong, but you're also not doing it on purpose. And this like kind of lack of attention or you drifting and forgetting the important things that they told you to remember doesn't really happen like immediately. It gets kind of like stacked. over time. You know maybe Tuesday you needed silence after work they wanted to talk to you or Thursday you were distant at dinner with friends because you were overstimulated from the environment and Saturday you forgot about the plans. For a neurotypical brain that processes time linearly these moments form a pattern a story and the story where they're writing is this person is pulling away from me they are building a future based on pattern they're tracking and you don't even realize the pattern exists because each moment feels separate for you. It's not that, oh I'm starting to slowly pull away from this person, but it's just that you are distracted at that moment and that is really what it is. So for the workaround that I read in the book is that two things. First, narrate what's happening in real time, not after the fact, not what they've already, after what they're already upset, but in the moment. For example, if you are feeling very overstimulated and you don't want to talk, you have to say them in the moment that you are feeling overstimulated. and you want to talk 30 minutes later, I'm all yours. Okay. It's actually important that this conversation happens during the moment and not after because it actually separates the behavior from the meaning. And the second one is scheduling a dedicated time together as recommended in the book. Not like we should spend more time, etc. But actually creating a recurring blocks. For example, every Saturday, like from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m., you are supposed to spend time together. you can decide what you're going to do on that like time but the most important thing is that you guys spending time together and having that block and that is non-negotiable for each of you and when you do that it's way easier for an ADHD person to actually show up and really like commit to showing attention part of it and also another thing in the book that is recommended is creating actually a small recurring actions that shows that you care about them and you love them. It can be basically like making a cup of copy every morning for them as much as you remember obviously or even like doing something that you're good at and you like and that they appreciate every day so that it's a small gesture to show that you love them. And also another thing that was recommended in the book was if you're struggling with like connection side scheduling like 10 to 15 minutes of non-sexual cuddle time in the morning or at night to really show that you love them and it actually like boosts your serotonin and it actually helps you produce oxytocin as well. Regardless of how chaotic the day is, it is important to make time, an actual time for you to connect with your partner. And this brings to me something I feel really strongly about. If you're watching this and you suspect you have ADHD, please go to a professional and get properly diagnosed. Don't just self-diagnose yourself from... content you see online like even this one. I say this because I've seen what happens on both sides like before people around me got diagnosed their relationship were really struggling and relationships get more and more important as you age in my opinion and nobody connects the dots between ADHD and the relationship. patterns of problems that they have. The forgetfulness, the inconsistency, the arguments. But I've seen many times over and over that after they get properly diagnosed and start their treatment, whether that's the therapy, whether that's building systems or medication, their relationship actually improved significantly. Once we understand what's happening, the overall dynamic changes. So there are less arguments and more talks about how we can combat. this as a couple. This is not necessarily because like medication fixes ADHD or anything but it's about having an understanding of the common patterns that arises and the reason behind them so it stops being a personal attack to the other person. And please please please please never self-diagnose yourself based on a TikTok or an article that you see online because ADHD symptoms overlap with many different conditions like anxiety, depression, sleep disorders, third issues and even like vitamin deficiencies and like brain rot etc and it's incredibly easy to misdiagnose yourself because adhd affects every aspect of our lives and you can see a list of symptoms and they can feel relatable and you can think that's me but those same symptoms can point to 10 different things and only a professional can actually distinguish between them and also the intensity of these symptoms are the important thing as well. This is the thing about the self-diagnosis, right? Like, because it keeps you in doubt, you're always going to wonder if you're just making it up. When you go to a psychiatrist or a psychologist, if you want, and then they confirm it, you stop actually blaming yourself for the things that you were never character flows. It's not necessarily about using it as an excuse, but when you are sure that it's ADHD, then the workarounds becomes way more clear. If you have ADHD, you are operating differently than other people. and the classical advice, classical relationship advice, might not ever work for you because you operate differently. You have this hyperfixation towards people. You forget people, even how much you like them, and you can feel really bad about it, and you can feel very shameful. Once these patterns keep going on, and after enough failed connections, you start to see that this is an evidence of you're not built for relationships and you're doomed to be single. your whole life or not even single but like lonely and build relationships with people when you start believing that you stop taking an action and it becomes a learned helplessness but every pattern has a reason and a workaround it's not that you're unlovable or you're doomed to be alone but it's that your brain works differently you process the world differently and once you understand that you can build systems, workarounds, mindsets around it instead of fighting yourself constantly. The loneliness that you're experiencing doesn't have to be permanent, but the first step is understanding what's causing it. If you want to learn more about how ADHD medication work and how it can help you or how it affected me, basically side effects, workarounds, etc., then you can watch this video next where I talk about it in detail.

🧠What type of ADHD do you have? 👉🏻 Free Quiz https://uat17stzllq.typeform.com/to/K1HUWBE9
😵 Tired of procrastinating, overwhelmed by your to-do list, and can't stick to plans? 🧠 I built an ADHD system for us 👉🏻 https://ruriohama.com 

💊Want to learn more about ADHD medication and its side effects? Watch this next 👉 https://youtu.be/mBodbOtNBwg?si=yT8FnlaUPoMjf_pF

Important: This content is based on my personal experience and is not intended as medical advice. ADHD affects everyone differently, and medication decisions should be made with a qualified healthcare professional. Please consult a psychiatrist specialized in ADHD for guidance specific to your situation.