My complicated relationship with women.

The thing I'm most interested in in this latest season of my life is intimacy. Intimacy is this word that evokes this idea of sexuality, maybe romance, and that's a big part of it. But I'm talking about every possible use of this word. Intimacy with yourself, with your friends, with the world. Life, I have realized, is all about connection. And I can't explore the idea of connection without talking about love. Romantic love is weird. I mean, there's this immense pressure in society to figure this out, be happy and fulfilled. In fact, I think many people would rank this among the most important things in life. I certainly do. I live in the city of love, for God's sake. How could I not be thinking about this all the time? I mean, it's all around me. And I think I... did this on purpose. This is not an accident. I'm drawn to this. I'm drawn to romance. I think it's fun. It's exciting. It's a little bit too much, you know? And I think I am a romantic at heart. It's true. The thing is, there's a gap. A gap between what popular culture shows as love and what my romantic life actually looks like. And, you know, there have been some beautiful experiences, but there's also been a lot of frustration and confusion as well. It felt a little bit more like I'm stumbling my way through this. These are the things that I'm learning. Dating is hard. I'm pretty sure it's hard for everybody, although I can only speak for myself. The rules for romance used to be a lot simpler in the past. Religion bans sex before marriage, so that solves that problem. And it's well documented that marriage was never for love in the first place. Marriage was for the wealthy and powerful to maintain their wealth and their power. It was strategic. Love came later. You see, the thing is, the church doesn't have the power that it used to. While I do have friends that are waiting until marriage to have sex, and I do respect their decision, I am not a religious man. With secularism has come the disappearance of the clear rules of what is and isn't allowed. And what has replaced those clear rules is this giant question mark, this gray area. Let's take the confusing world of hookups, for example. Hookups, from the outside, seem fun. The freedom to hook up in today's world seems like a progressive victory. Sex positivity. If you want it, you can go and get it. You know, your sexual desires are no longer a sin. But the thing is, I don't know. My own experiences with hookups have been, for the most part, quite unfulfilling. A little bit like eating potato chips. Empty carbs. And it fulfills a desire in the moment. But is it fulfilling in the long term? That's a question I keep asking myself. The tricky thing though is that we live in a world where this kind of behavior is almost encouraged. It's so accessible. It's so easy. And it's hard not to feel a little bit of FOMO when you hear the stories of your friends off on their own adventures. When I first began gathering my thoughts on the subject, I placed my blame on things like the dating apps. Finding a mate has been reduced to text messages and swiping. Except I don't think that's right. Some people do find love through the apps and there's nothing wrong with that. I think the issue I keep coming up against is more so the culture of these apps and the speed at which we move today. The value of interactions is cheapened. If it doesn't work out with somebody, it's so easy to just find another replacement. It's just very transactional and removed from a more organic way of meeting people. I know it's a weird thing to say this, especially because... For generations that came before us, it would have been awful to say this. They didn't have this problem. But it feels like there are too many choices. And as a man, and I'm sure this is the case for many women as well, okay? But I'm just speaking from my own perspective here. I feel replaceable, you know? I feel like I'm competing with the entire world. Ironically, all of this might be leading to less connection. Studies are showing that Gen Z is having sexual experiences far less than previous generations. Okay, and to complicate things further, if you choose to... go off the beaten path, it becomes even more difficult to connect with people. What are the two easiest ways to make connections as an adult? School and work. And I didn't choose conventional paths for either of those things. And while this is unique to me, I think the world is going through a change and more and more of us are finding ourselves in these sorts of situations. Do you work from home? Are you starting your own business? It feels like I'm not alone in this. I would be lying if I didn't say that loneliness played. big role in all of this. It's a very, very attractive idea to have a life partner. Somebody to share the joys and experiences that you go through with. Am I waxing lyrical right now? Yeah, probably. I'm being a little bit of a romantic. Then there's the validation that comes with all of this that complicates everything even further. We all have our insecurities. I have my insecurities. And there's nothing like feeling attractive to somebody that you're attracted to. I have surprised myself. by the lengths to which I have gone to look for this. And so without meaning to, or without doing so consciously, I fell into this culture of quick consumption, this crusade against loneliness, this hunt for validation. And that led me to hookups and one night stands. So what happens exactly? You sit down to meet this stranger. You have a few hours to eat or talk or walk around. Maybe you're laughing and touching each other's hands, but to figure out if we're actually compatible, that takes way, way longer. I'm a very emotional man, so I don't know how universal what I'm about to say is, but looking back, the sex that I've had without an emotional connection is just nowhere near as good. It's almost like it's not even the same thing at all. So why do this? If sex with strangers is me feeling empty, why do it at all? That brings us back to the gigantic void that now exists since the religious restrictions of the past no longer exist. There is no playbook. But funnily enough, in the absence of a playbook, you're still very much influenced by your peers, your family, the people around you. And as a man, I have felt tremendous pressure to accumulate sexual experiences. Now, I don't think this necessarily applies to everybody, but I have seen it in most men. There's just too much bragging and boasting going on for there not to be. And it's easy to look back on my experiences and criticize myself, but at the same time, how else are you supposed to figure out what you do and do not like? This is how it works, especially since there is no playbook to work off of. Ultimately, is hooking up a bad thing? No, not at all. And I don't regret any of my experiences. It has led to a lot of stretching and growing as a person, but the most important piece probably of it all is that it's shown me what I really do care about. and that piece is priceless. It can be really fun in the moment, but I have to remind myself, I can't forget that it's not a replacement for the deeper thing that I'm really looking for. In this way, you can be naked with a stranger and still there's no real intimacy to be found. Loneliness is the reason why some men listen to pickup artists on how to say what they need to say and when to bring somebody home with them. But how could a play-by-play guide on what to say and how and when ever truly answer the real question, the deeper question of connection. The thing that has tricked me, if you will, into relationships with women that I ultimately wasn't compatible with was attraction. It's an incredibly powerful drug and it makes you blind. But that's all that it is. Attraction, not love. I sense that being in love is something deeper. I think the reason why I'm running around in circles desperately trying to figure this all out is because deep down I'm a little scared. I'm intellectualizing something that isn't a math problem that I can't rationally solve because my only other alternative is to trust life and that things will work out. There's a line in the film, Before Sunset, one of my favorite movies of all time, that perfectly captures my feelings on the subject. I'm not going to give away any spoilers, but basically the two protagonists are talking about their frustrations in their romantic lives. And Celine says to Jesse, I guess when you're young, just believe there'll be many people with whom you connect with. Later in life you realize it only happens a few times. And it's one of those movie lines that echoes around in my head, even though I first heard it a long time ago. In a sense, it's a painful thought, a frightening thought, because those special connections don't happen as often as we'd like them to. And I can add pressure, and I can try to create timelines for when this should happen, but ultimately all of that just makes things worse. And I can sit here and lament that. But maybe it isn't such a bad thing that these connections don't happen every day. Maybe that's what makes the times that it does work out so special. Thank you so much for watching. I'm really experimenting with the style and look of these videos, so I'd love to hear your thoughts on that. There's no sponsor for this video, but if you're interested in supporting my work, this is the official launch of Coeur, my new clothing brand. Coeur in French means heart. I picked that name, first of all, because I think it sounds nice. I think it looks nice. The O and the E are connected. It's actually a letter in French. And also because I find it very beautiful that it shares the same Latin root as Courage. You can see the resemblance and hear it also in how it's pronounced. I think it's a powerful reminder. It takes a lot of bravery to live life with an open heart. And I can use all the reminders that I can get, which is why I made this. So if you're interested, it'll be available for a short time. And I'll leave a link to it in the description below. Yeah, that's all. I'll see you guys soon.

Support my work by checking out Cœur (my new brand), available for a limited time → https://coeur.nathanieldrew.com

This was only possible thanks to the help of the one and only Ioana Petresco, you can check out her work here → https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dAK4Gg3_kdM&ab_channel=ROIoanaPetresco

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