the art of finding balance

Ballads. Everyone talks about it as something we're supposed to find. As if it's the key to everything. Some sort of holy grail hack for adulthood. And when we find it, our lives will suddenly be perfectly portioned out. How's it going? Um, it's going. Anyway, I'll see you in two weeks. Yep. Right. The thing is, the more I strive for it, the more I question if it even exists. As you might know, if you've been following along, I have been on a mission of sorts. I've started this list over here to see what I can get done by the end of my 20s, which is coming up really soon. While there was a bit of a slow start and a few things that threw me for a loop, I also have a few updates to catch up to speed on. Take more photos. As much as I love it, never been consistent until now. A tangible thing and a form of documenting my life after all. Mission complete. Next, find a perfect daily routine. Okay, so maybe not perfect, I still have to drag myself out of bed, but it's better than it's been in recent years. And finally, get back into journaling. Used to do it a lot, took a break, and clearly I must be going through it since it was probably the easiest to cross off. But despite me doing all of these things, which have been great for the list, things have been piling up on the other end. The work end. Turns out you can't just drop everything and pursue your whimsy activities without throwing your whole life out of balance. With that being said, it's time for the next activity. Part of the reason why I made my 20s list was because my life felt totally out of balance. A couple of years ago, I turned my hobby into work, which, while amazing, I think it's important to have a hobby that doesn't necessarily relate to your job. And I tried a couple of things, even rock climbing that one time, but never really committed to it. So this time around, one of the things on my list was to find a new hobby. Something a bit better suited for me, a bit... less intense maybe, especially after the first few tasks. No productivity, no pressure, just simply a hobby. So I researched a couple of things for me to give a try. I heard this concept recently, open loops. It's something you told yourself you would do, but haven't finished yet. I imagine it like this. Say you're in line for a roller coaster, but instead of getting on the ride, you just go and line up for a different one. Soon you're in line at several coasters, but never having the satisfaction of seeing one through. Open loops feel like that. The tasks can be something big, like a project you set out to do, or small, like answering a text. Even the goals you set for yourself, the things you want to be excited about. But your brain keeps them running in the background nonetheless, and depending on the timeline we set for ourselves, we either get them done and we feel great, or it builds up and eventually weighs down on us. What I'm trying to say is that I feel like I have so many open loops that I want to close, but it feels like every task takes away from another. It seems easier to avoid it altogether, but closing even one of those loops can feel like a tiny reprieve, even if temporary. So I'm trying air clay. Basically, it's like pottery at home. You don't have to fire it. You just kind of let it air dry and then you can paint it. So right now I am, okay, trust the vision, first of all, but I am making a trinket tray i need more trinket trays in my life i have a lot of trinkets and not enough trays i ordered a kit just because it had everything in it to make it easier and it actually comes with instructions as you can see it's still like it's not blended this is very cool that i gave you a sponge and everything not sponsored it's very messy but i guess that's That's the crafting though. It's feeling like actual pottery right now. It's coming together. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Wait, wait, wait. It's crazy right now. Hold on. Honestly, using your hands is so much more effective than the sponge. That was fun. It's my first time trying air clay. So maybe I'll just make a couple more because I have some extra clay and then I'll let it dry. Because apparently I'm supposed to let it dry for like 24 hours. I'm called cold. Oh, hi. Wow. Is it done? No, it's not done. Wow, good job. I'm trying out stained glass. DIY stained glass. I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to try it. I'm taping my designs. I originally thought I could freehand it. Then I started to do a bit of research and I realized that I shouldn't freehand it because it won't be a good idea. It would not be a wise choice. Let's just say that. Look at that. She's a little bumpy, a little messy, but that's okay. There's no way I could be a cake decorator. Like, there's literally no way. Tattoo artist or cake decorator? Forget about it. From Miss. Okay, so I just locked in for, like, I don't even know how long. And I got the front. Done. Mine is this. I haven't done the roof yet. It's a good DIY. It's a good activity. But to me a hobby is something that maybe ideally I could use to wind down. I don't know if this is necessarily a relaxing hobby. Like I feel very goal-oriented right now. Like I'm like, oh, I need to finish this. Versus I feel like maybe what I'm looking for. It's just like a peaceful thing. And I got a hobby for you. Unfortunately... This is not me. It's like all my stuff's on a tripod. I'm scared to even touch it. It's late and then I'm tired. After a couple of days of trying out these hobby contenders, I've been having a good time but not sure if I found the one just yet. But I've also been trying to catch up on other things. In our late 20s, there's this pressure of needing and also wanting to do everything. To have a social life, be a good friend, a good partner, present for family, to have hobbies, to work out, to have a routine, and also a good paying job. But still, somehow follow your passions and figure out your career. And despite the tenacity, or even compromising when we don't want to, it's frustrating to repeatedly miss the mark. Balance is a paradox. Why is it that the more we strive for it, the less it feels like peace and the more it feels like pressure? It feels like there's never enough time to do everything you need to do, let alone everything you want to do. And I'm wondering if there's another way to go about it. Eventually, unfinished things stop just being unfinished things. They turn into statements about who you think you are. Even now, somewhere in all of this, the things meant to motivate me start to feel more like evidence that I'm falling behind. I think the experts would say, maybe we're getting balance all wrong. Maybe it isn't about perfectly portioning out our lives. Maybe it's about letting the scales tip intentionally. Letting ourselves be all in when it matters, and all out when it doesn't. I think being this close to the end of my 20s, mostly I just wanted to prove that I could follow through on a promise I made to myself. And I think making this list was a way for me to try and prove myself wrong. That I wasn't someone who didn't follow through. But I proved myself right.

hobbies & balance


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Credits:
Directed & Edited by Kariza Santos
Series written by Kariza Santos & Evie Yannakidis
Produced by Jodianne Beckford 

Cast
friend - Aria Kumar
bf - Colt Kirwan

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