Why Relationships Are So Hard

You have to kind of take the risk of being vulnerable because if you're lucky, the other person will also reciprocate that and be vulnerable to you. I see life as this fascinating journey we're all on where we're learning about what it means to be human. We need people. Everyone wants love. In a sense, it's two things. It's a deeply personal path where I'm learning about myself and how to have a healthy relationship with myself. But it's also about learning to connect with and coexist with others. These two things, my relationship with myself and my relationship with others, seem to be deeply connected in strange and curious ways. On this journey, I am making some discoveries that I'd like to share with you. Might as well share and compare our notes as we go along, right? As Ram Dass put it, we're all just walking each other home. So to make this video, I sat down with perhaps the single best person to explore this topic with, and that is Lana Blakely, who I'm sure some of you are already familiar with. She has a wonderful YouTube channel of her own exploring exactly these things. I've pulled some excerpts from my conversation with Lana to bring them further to life in this video. Even just before we started recording this, the topic of loneliness came up. Yes. If you'd like to watch the full conversation, it's available now on No Backup Plan, my podcast. There are times where I'm completely okay with being on my own. And there are other times when I don't feel okay being on my own. And I think the difference sometimes is I get this idea in my head. Oh, I should be with someone right now. Like I will be putting the pressure on myself. What kind of lonely? Friendship lonely or romantic lonely? Because I think you can have friends and platonic connections. Maybe even plenty of them. But still feel like something is missing. Or you could have a romantic partner. and feel like something is missing. And where do you think that pressure comes from? Well, that's a really good question. That's an ongoing exploration. Sometimes I wonder if I'm creating these narratives because I'm trying to just feel good. The idea of being around somebody and having their validation, right? But maybe that's just a lot more about running away from being with myself. I mean, I also have felt sometimes that I'm completely fine having a small friend group. not having a major social life but then I go on social media or you know something is influencing me to believe that my way of living might be wrong or like I'm missing out on something or maybe they are like the way that those people that I'm seeing online for example are living life the right way I'll question if I'm living life the right way even though I know that like deep down I'm content yeah and I Enjoy living life the way that I do but it's definitely something to be said about being influenced by the people like oh I'm in my 20s I should be dating or I should be going out to I don't know the club or the bar or you have these thoughts Not that much anymore I think more in my early 20s a lot of people actually live life in a way that's More like what they're expected to do but see that's the thing I get what you're saying, but I think I don't feel as much the peer pressure from other people like I don't care what other people think about my life It's that kind of yearning. It's that longing that I feel that deep intense curiosity to experience more things The more I think about it the more I feel like there are two forces at work in our lives And this is something I'm going to try to illustrate here with this drawing These two forces guide us through life in all things in work in relationships all of it The first I like to call fear. This is the negative force at work. And the way I like to think of it is that it's sort of like a pushing force. When I feel that loneliness, sometimes it's me feeling like maybe I'm trying to run away from certain feelings within myself. The way fear works is that there is something that scares me. It could be anything. And fear is leading me to run away. I'm allowing myself to be pushed away from something. But sometimes it's like a... Almost like an impatience, like I want to have these experiences so badly. Like is it FOMO? Sometimes it's FOMO and sometimes it's a... I don't know how to describe it other than like a kind of impatience. The other force is a positive one that can be called love or curiosity. And in many ways it's the opposite of fear. It's being pulled towards something. I am propelled to explore and my world expands. And something that makes me curious draws me in. I deeply, deeply want to know what it means to love, right, or to be loved. Now, these two forces are a decision because it could be the exact same thing that creates that fear response that pushes me away that also triggers the exact opposite, a curiosity response where I move towards it. I've been guilty of kind of promoting a little bit. I think like the loner lifestyle, especially in the beginning of like my videos and stuff. but my intention was never to make anyone disregard the importance of human connection like i think we are a little bit on social media and stuff promoting like be your own best friend and be your own take yourself on dates and like all these things which i agree with to an extent but also we need people and we i think everyone wants love I'd like to briefly thank the sponsor of this video who made it possible for me to visit Sweden and Norway and visit Lana and create this video and that is I've been using audible for years now I'm a huge fan they have a massive library of audiobooks and I actually have a recommendation for an audiobook if you're looking for one right now and that is the creative act by Rick Rubin so good he has an incredible voice incredible energy and there's so many nuggets of wisdom in there Totally worth it for anyone, whether or not you think you're creative. So I've actually made a custom list of audio books that I recommend, a listening list if you will, and I'm going to be doing an Instagram live book club on August 15th. If you'd like to join, I'll leave a link in the description to my account, my profile on there. It's just at NathanielDrew underscore. I'm particularly excited about this because I've selected these audio books around the theme of better navigating the 21st century as I feel the world is changing very quickly and many things we were taught in school no longer apply. They worked for previous generations, but the world is different now. And so it's incumbent upon us to rethink things. And that's what these audiobooks are doing. They're helping me rethink my relationships and my approach to work and my place in the world. And I really want to share this with you. This is sort of like an extension to the salons I've talked about doing here in Paris. If you're interested in checking out Audible, there's also a link in the description where you can get a 30-day free trial. And I think it's a fantastic investment for anyone who's curious about the world. I think the Instagram Live is going to be a lot of fun. I hope to see you there. Thank you, Audible, for sponsoring this video. Now let's dive back in. Recently, I would say like the last couple of years only, I've been exploring more of being more open and more vulnerable with like my friends, the people close to me. I remember specifically, I went through something like a dip and I was meeting a friend for dinner. And normally I would think to myself, I'm not going to go too much into it with her. I guess I've had this feeling of... putting burden on someone else it's just been overall uncomfortable i think but then i met her for dinner i really told her everything that had happened basically what i noticed which was super interesting was that from that dinner on like our friendship just deepened but it deepened in a way that it hadn't before partly because me being open with her welcomed her to really offer her opinion and her advice in a way that was more genuine than if I would have just kind of touched the surface on how I was doing or feeling. And also, and this is something that I've learned, was that you have to kind of take the risk of being vulnerable because if you're lucky, the other person will also reciprocate that and be vulnerable to you. And that is going to form a deeper connection. And not everyone is going to reciprocate that. some people you'll open up to them but they will kind of still be closed off and not really go there and that's fine but when they do and you do like that really i think deepens the connection and that's why i think it's so important to like when you are investing in a friendship that you are investing in people who you know are also interested in like growing and exploring and learning so i've had that with you know past friendships where we were very good friends but then you know as time went by our values kind of started to drift further and further apart our ways of living our ways of viewing the world and at that point you get to a point where it's no longer fun or inspiring or comforting or any of the things that you're seeking in a relationship those things aren't present the way that they were when you initially form the friendship, perhaps. And at that point, it's no point really in maintaining a friendship that the both of you don't fully want to have. I want to share with you a little drawing that illustrates the phases of life as I see it and the ways in which we as people weave in and out of each other's lives. To do this, I'm going to call this Year 25, as I'm 25 years old, although it could be any number, any chapter in your life. I am the dot in the center. as I play a constant role in the play or the film that is my life. And this is true for all of us. There are other dots around me which represent other people in my life. The closest points in this drawing are the people closest to me, so my close friends and family. And the dots that are further away from me might be acquaintances, strangers I run into, distant relatives. You get the idea. In a sense, the reason vulnerability is so great but so difficult is because it's always a risk, right? It's always, I'm going to show a little bit of my heart. I have no idea how you're going to take it. Exactly. And you might just like take it, throw it on the floor and stomp on it or something, right? Because if you don't take a chance with the relationships that you have, whether that's platonic or with a romantic partner, of being open and putting yourself out there, you're not really exploring what that connection could turn into. You're holding yourself back and you're holding the potential of that relationship back. The thing is, this is an illustration that works across time. People aren't dots, they're vectors or lines. So there's a continuum between me in year 25 and me in year 26. And the challenging reality is that none of these lines are moving in exactly the same direction. We all desire a sort of permanence with the things that we love and are attached to. But that doesn't exist. I have a close cast of characters in my life and there are moments that I feel closer to them and other moments when I don't. But even with the closest people in my life, those ebbs and flows exist. And in general, this constellation of people that make up my network. Looking good, bro. I know. Make up my world is constantly shifting. Some exit while others enter at different moments in my life. It comes down to aligning with those people. But depending on the phase of life each of us is in, we might be looking for or working through different things. I can get bored. Yeah. You know? Things can get a little too stable and stuck, you know? And then the search begins again, if that makes sense. I felt this desire to go inward again and slow it down. There was more to be explored by paring it down, having less people for a period of time. There's a desire I felt to figure out my people and then have that sorted for the rest of my life. But the reality is much more nuanced. I feel connected to different people at different levels of intensity, different moments in my life. Instead of a fixed image of a school of fish, a painting, a photo, with everything locked in place, the ensemble of people in my life feels much more like watching a school of fish swim, shuffle, reorder itself, break up, and come back together. Some people I used to be close with, and I'm no longer. And there are still people I don't even know that I will become close with in the future. And there's a sort of wonder that comes with that. It makes me curious. Who else will I meet? A few years ago, I didn't even feel like I had very many friends and it was this thing I remember I made a video to my future self saying I hope that you have more people in your life that you're surrounded by That are share your values and are interested in doing some of the same things right by putting out work and being open and giving it a shot I met some really cool people like honestly we met this week and it's part of that trajectory in my life It's been really cool. It's almost like when I ask people for more they open themselves up more, and I can give more as well, if that makes sense. And that's what has led to deeper connections. The depth keeps increasing. It's like I'm unlocking levels. I feel that looking at things this way helps me get clear about a few things regarding relationships. The first is that everything is impermanent. The second is that people come and go. The third is that you pick who you spend time with. And the fourth is that it's important to cherish the people in your life. while you have them. Nothing is constant. The things I'm looking for keep changing and shifting as I keep going deeper. But there's certain experiences in life that no matter who you are or what you do, you're on your own, right? I mean, you're kind of always on your own in a sense. Yeah, right. You're kind of always on your own, and you're kind of never on your own. We're all figuring this out in our own little ways, and I think we're a lot more connected to each other than we realize. There's a desire that I feel to try to provide concrete tips on this fuzzy gray topic of relationships. Tips I myself could also use so that you and I never have to feel loneliness again. When I was younger, I used to do that kind of thing, but I don't anymore because I realized I can't. Loneliness is one of those things that are just a part of life and all of its richness. As inevitable, I suspect, as anger and sadness and joy. I think it's what makes it so special when you do connect with someone, no matter how brief or long-lasting that might be. All I know is that for me, the journey continues. It all just keeps getting more interesting as I continue my search and open myself up in every way I can to everything that happens. The cast of characters in my life keeps shifting as I age. Some people stay, some people go, and through it all, there I am, learning.

#Sponsored – Thank you @audible for sponsoring this video. If you want to try it out for 30 days for free, go to https://audible.com/nathanieldrew or text “nathanieldrew” to 500-500.

Check out the full podcast conversation with @LanaBlakely on No Backup Plan here → https://youtu.be/UU86jx9rPDE

Check out Lana's wonderful channel here → https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctw8p3zvKFk&ab_channel=LanaBlakely

my blog/newsletter → https://nathanieldrew.substack.com/
second channel → https://www.youtube.com/@nobackupplan
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Timestamps
00:00 Intro
01:20 I. Loneliness
05:38 Sponsor
07:12 II. Vulnerability
13:14 Conclusion